August 29 2009, I woke up at 7:30 on a Thursday morning. I ate a banana and grabbed a juice, told my brothers bye and got in the truck. My mom was supposed to drive me to school so that I could move in by 9 but she kept making several stops at the most random places. I kept getting frustrated because I was ready to move in. She finally realized we were running a little behind schedule and headed for UMBC.
We arrived on campus around 9:45 and it felt like I was a day late. I checked in and got my key and all the paper work filled out and was closer to being at school for good. I saw all these faces that I had never seen before and I was enjoying it. There were beautiful girls all around and I couldn’t help but smile and say “Hey.”
As I unpacked the truck I tried to look as handsome as possible. I was trying to make a good impression. My mom saw me and shook her head and said, “Don’t forget why you are really here!”
When I took everything to my room the thought of me not having my parents around really set in, I started to get a little emotional. I put all of my clothes away and my mom sat on my new bed and watched, and told jokes about how home was going to be now without me there.
When I finished unpacking, I took all the boxes back to my mom’s truck. We stood there looking at each other both at a loss of words. She grabbed me and said, ”be good, ima miss you and I love you.” She got in the truck and left and as I walked to my new home tears were running down my face. As this was happening I was hoping to be invisible but that wouldn’t be the case because the prettiest girl I saw that day stopped me and said, “are you ok?” I lied and said yes and went on to my room.
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I like how the final result turned out. The end to your story was well done. It gave the reader an emotion to feel. I do think your work could use some more descriptive words to give more imagery. I also liked how you built up to the final emotion. We all felt those initial feelings of being at a new school, but not all of us experienced having to part with our family entirely so giving the reader a taste of what that was like was a good idea.
ReplyDeletei like this. I kind of like the fact that you used more words than like imagery but i think a little bit more could help. If you just use a little more description. Perhaps for the "prettiest girl", maybe you could describe her a little bit! Otherwise, SUPER cute!!!
ReplyDeleteI like how you are very detailed in your writing
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